The truth is I’m a toy, that people enjoy. ‘Til the tricks won’t work anymore. And then they are bored of me.” – Lorde, Liability
Stop chasing boys who don’t give a single damn care about you. Says me, who does that everytime. When will I learn? I meet up with boys, hang out with them, thought the fun could last but then a day after it’s either they won’t text back or I would find out they’re meeting up/dating someone. I’m tired. I feel very bad about myself, that I could never me somoenes’ priority. I’m just one of your many options that you could select on whenever you’re bored. by the way, I’m also a human. I get hurt.
I can’t stop thinking about that night, when everything was perfect, just like what I imagined. You said and did things to me that only the two of us knew. I can’t promise to you that I won’t get attached. I long for your company every second of the day. I long for your reply to every text messages I send. I long for your touch, your lips and your smile. tell me, what do I do now? I’m not very good at this. But don’t worry, It’s not your fault. I know what’s the right thing to do but I choose to break my own heart for you.
I can’t keep my focus whenever I’m with you, all I want to do is cling my arms to yours, lean against your shoulders and breathe in your scent. I can see it when you’re stressed, and all I can think of is how I could put all your worries away from your face and turn it in to a smile. I like it when you talk to me, about your dreams, about anything. I like to hear your voice, I could watch and listen to you all day. And I hope this doesn’t annoy you.
“Masyado pa tayong bata, enjoy-in muna natin kung anong meron tayo.”
Oo nga, nung sinabi nya ‘to medyo napaisip ako. Nasaktan rin ako, ‘di ko maiwasang ma-paranoid minsan. Kasi what if marami pa syang iba, magsawa bigla sakin and i-dump na lang ako kasi nga nagpapa-ka fuck girl na ako sakanya. Sad! Yun siguro yung turning point. Habang naglalakad ako pauwi, sabi ko sa sarili ko, ititigil ko na ‘to. Selosa, clingy and possesive. Yan ako, so di ako pwede sa set-up namin at lalong hindi ako siguro pwede sa relationship. Napag-isip isip ko na if ever na magka-boyfriend ako, ready ba talaga ako? Wala akong alam.
Go ahead judge me, call me anything you want. I know everything is wrong that’s why I am writing this.
I met this guy sa isang anonymous app, nag-post ako ng “Hi, katamad.” and then he just messaged me, I replied, we talked and talked, that’s how our conversation started and he asked for my number and and nag-usap na lang through text. He was very nice, masarap kausap, sweet and all though di naman sya gwapo, keri lang po. I don’t mind looks that much naman e, basta ba maayos, yun lang naman. Gustong gusto nyang makipag meet sa’kin, pero ako naman ayaw ko kasi mahiyain talaga ako and baka madissapoint lang sya sa’kin, kaya iwas meet ups ako kung maari! Pero the next day we ended up meeting each other kasi nga nasa parehong lugar lang din sya, we held hands and nag usap ng kung ano-ano. To cut the story short, hiningi ko Facebook account nya and found out na may dine-date pala sya. Ouch talaga sa’kin, too early for feelings pero medyo nasaktan ako kasi ginagawa akong side chick nung gago! I told my friends about it, “Layuan mo na!” syempre yun yung mga sinabi nila. Alam ko naman yun e, pero ewan ko ba kung bakit hindi ko ginawa. Nagmeet ulit kami, and dun may kasamang kiss na medyo passionate, I don’t need to write everything in details baka magmukhang secret files ito! Nagkasundo kami the next time na mag-meet kami gagawin namin somewhere private, ayoko kasi ng PDA. And yun nga last night, we made out. Nothing happened other than that, and while cuddling each other I told him that I knew she’s dating someone. He said hindi sila, wala silang label. Tinanong ko kung gusto nya ba si girl he said, “Quite yes.” sinabi ko lahat nang mga nakita ko sa social nya pati na rin dun sa girl and tinanong ko sya nang tinanong, gusto ko kasing maliwanagan, ayaw kong maging sanhi ng heartbreak which is I know that’s what I’m doing right now kahit na sinabi nyang walang “sila”. I hate myself for doing that. What the fuck is wrong with me ? I enjoy his company so much. Pero ‘tang ina, enough na, medyo nasasaktan na ko sa mga ginagawa ko.
So dear me, I know you deserve someone better who would be able to see your worth, someday.
“We’re happy, free, confused at the same time. It’s miserable and magical.” – 22, Taylor Swift
Maybe this is exactly how I feel right now. 21 feels young but 22 feels so much older, even it’s just a year difference. Exactly 7 days from now and I’ll be 22. Yup, adulting is real hard. Responsibilities be like: “Hoy, pansinin mo naman ako!” Ha-ha-ha! Ano bang balak ko sa buhay? ‘Di ba dapat kapag ganitong age medyo settled ka na? Oh well, student pa lang naman ako. But why do I feel like I’m missing out a lot of things in life? Dahil ba single ako? No, ha-ha-ha! Ewan ko ba. Siguro nga pero hindi naman basehan ang status mo to be truly happy with your life. I am blessed with a lot of people around me, my friends and especially my family, I’m always thankful to have them.
It’s good to be back! I’ve never used wordpress before, I used to have a tumblr account for my personal blog and that was way back when I was still a teenager. I don’t know why I am creating a new one but it felt like I really need to do this. I am not a good writer, not good with words and in expressing myself. But still, I am writing in this blog for personal reasons. It’s funny because right now is not really a good time to blog, especially everything is very stressful and I have so much work to do in school since finals has already begun and I am almost out of time for my deadlines, but still I managed to find time for this. Anyway, maybe you’ll find out why soon.